Los Angeles, California, May 7, 2007 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

The Hilton Corporation announced this morning that, in an effort to diversify their holdings and provide the famous "Hilton Hospitality" to an as yet ignored part of the population, the chain will be opening a group of Hilton Confinement Facilities. The first is scheduled to be opened in Lynwood, California, and it is rumored that Paris Hilton will be managing the facility during its grand opening period of 45 days. A spokesperson for the corporation announced, "The Hilton Corporation feels that the drunks, perverts, drug addicts, and other California notables have been neglected in this area for too long. Hollywood perverts should have class establishments in which to serve out their incarceration." Rumors that Rosie O'Donnell has requested to be Paris' "Roommate" during the 45 day grand opening have not been confirmed.


*****ENDS*****

 

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Paris, France May 1, 2007 (Reuters)

The government of France announced today that there will be a series of three debates between Presidential candidates Ségolène Royal and Nicolas Sarkozy. Due to the large issues being addressed by the candidates, it was felt that the format would allow the French public to better understand the candidates positions. The debates will be in "Single Issue" format, and will cover the following subjects:

Debate #1: Why the United States is a nation of scuzeballs fit only as a vacation spot for ignorant Brits.

Debate #2: The wonderfulness of French wines.

Debate #3: Surrender: How soon after someone attacks France, should the Surrender Option be used?

Dates of the debates are being discussed by both parties as this story goes to press.

*****ENDS*****

 

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LaCrosse, North Carolina April 11, 2007 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

Durham, North Carolina District Attorney Mike Nifong announced today that, while the rape charges against the three Duke students have been dropped, he still plans to prosecute. All three will be arrested Thursday morning, according to a late announcement, and charged with felony whiteness and aggravated family wealthiness. No decision has been made, as of yet, as to whether the three will also be charged with family conservatism, as the investigation continues into that area of their lives.



*****ENDS*****

 

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Washington, D. C. April 3, 2007 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

Scientists connected with the J. Farnsworth Coulspatty Laboratory announced today that they have discovered a major cause of global warming. Research into data compiled by amateur scientist G. S. Callendar, of the Royal Meteorological Society, and first reported to the world via the Lincoln Sunday Journal and Star on October 23, 1949, led to the first possibilities to resolving the problem. Professor Snudfurth reports that the data compiled by Mr. Callendar, starting more than eighteen months earlier than the date of the article, was carefully analyzed. Computer evaluation of the data indicates that the first twentieth century traces of the phenomenon occurred on March 31st, 1948. Research into events occurring on that date note that it is the birth date Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., in Washington, D. C. Hence, the Coulspatty Laboratory believes that global warming in the twentieth century is directly attributable to Al Gore.


*****ENDS*****

 

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Los Angeles, California February 24, 2007 (AP, UPI, REUTERS)

In a surprise twist to the convoluted proceedings arising out of the death of Anna Nicole Smith, five men today are filing suit in California's court system, each insisting that he is the father of Ms. Smith's daughter Dannielynn. All seem concerned about the potential money the child will inherit, once estate issues and lawsuits involving Ms. Smith are settled. Bill Clinton states he and Hillary will provide the child a home in the White House for eight years, Barack Obama evidenced a desire to raise the child as a Muslim, Al Gore wants her to be a poster child for global warming, John Kerry wants to use estate money to finance a movie about his heroism in Vietnam, and Ted Kennedy wants to help her buy a distillary. The California courts accepted the filings with the proviso that all claimants agree to never spank the child. It was agreed that all claimants could spank each other, if they so desired.


*****ENDS*****

 

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Dallas, Texas September 24, 2006 (AP, UPI)

An independent poll carried out by Professor Horace B. Honeybucket III in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex area revealed that only 41% of Texans queried were against illegal immigration. Professor Honeybucket had a group of his students from Texas A & M University carry out the telephone survey on the weekend of September 22-24, 2006. Poll results were collected and analyzed by computer. Preliminary responses to the question "Do you think illegal immigration is a problem?" were as follows:

41% "Heck YES, y'all!"

59% "No hablo ingles."

*****ENDS*****

=====================================================

 

New York, New York September 8, 2006 (AP, UPI)

Attorneys for Rush Limbaugh, conservative newscaster, announced this morning that Mr. Limbaugh was instituting a lawsuit against Katie Couric, news anchor of CBS News. The suit charges that Ms. Couric is using sexist tactics to obtain an unfair advantage over male newscasters. The suit alleges that the camera shot of Ms. Couric's legs on her premier broadcast was intentional, and designed to fog the minds of male conservative viewers. Mr. Limbaugh stated "No one listens to me on the radio because I have cute legs. Ms. Couric should not be allowed to flaunt her sexuality!" Rumors that Charles Gibson will join the lawsuit are unsubstantiated.


*****ENDS*****

 

Houston, Texas September 7, 2006 (AP, UPI)

Legal pundits converged on the "City of Space" to observe as a flying saucer landed in front of the now defunct Enron headquarters. Portions of the building have been rented by members of the delegation from Pluto, who are being represented on Earth by the ACLU. The delegation is suing NASA as a representative of the combined international exploration of space, and blames NASA for attempts to remove planet status from Pluto. Reports that the Disney organization is backing the Plutonians, due to the oerceived insult to the Disney character "Pluto".

Rumors that the Democratic National Committee has attempted to include Plutonions in a comprehensive immigration plan and register them to vote in Connecticut against Joe Lieberman are thus far unsubstantiated.

*****ENDS*****

=====================================================

Hollywood, California April 2, 2006 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

Ang Lee announced today that casting is complete for Brokeback Mountain II: The Gay Caballeros. The famed Director solved his casting problems this past week. "I was watching the news on TV, wondering where I could find a Texas cowboy type and a Mexican to play butt buddies, and there they were", he said. "I got on the phone, and, within hours, had a contract agreed to." Mr. Lee plans to start filming later this summer, with location shots in Mexico City and Crawford, Texas. Mr. Bush and Mr. Fox have agreed to co-star in both this movie and a possible sequel to "Born in East LA", with Vincente Fox playing as an illegal immigrant against George Bush, who will play an underfunded Border Patrol agent.

*****ENDS*****

=====================================================

Dallas Metroplex, March 10, 2006 (AP, UPI)

Dave Hoffman, who posts as "Dongha" on the world-renowned conservative internet website "Capitol Hill Coffee House", has been labeled as a racist. The event occurred during an interview the infamous Dongha provided to local individuals attempting to determine his stance. "I used to like all the races", the columnist stated, "when I was young, but, with age, I became more intolerant, to the point where I won't even watch most of them on TV." The attitude was suprising, many felt, considering his religious epiphany. Others felt that he was a closet racist all along, and condemned him soundly. When asked how it happened, he noted that it was over time, gradually. "I used to like Indy, Track, the ponies, greyhounds, all of them. But, since I moved to the South and Southwest, I've turned my back on them for NASCAR."
Since being labelled a racist, Mr. Hoffman declined to show just where he was labelled, pointing out that there were women and small children present.

*****ENDS*****

 

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Washington, D. C. February 23, 2006 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

In a surprise move today, the White House announced a plan by President Bush to outsource the war on terrorism. The White House announced that it is in negotiations with a Middle Eastern organization known for its ability to wage war. The organization also has a staff of experts on terrorism. The plan, announced by the President this evening, would turn over control of the United States Armed Forces to the organization. The organization, Al Quada Ltd, is headed by CEO Mr. "Ben" Laden. The President noted that outsourcing both the war and protection against terror attacks, along with a planned White House initiative to turn over protection of the Southern Border of the United States to the Mexican government, will save billions of dollars annually.


*****ENDS*****

 

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Washington, D. C. February 13, 2006 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

The line was long today outside the Federal Licensing Bureau that issues the special Federal Dick Cheney Conservative Millionaire Hunting Permits. Noted Democrats in line included Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and John Kerry. Across town at NRA's Washington headquarters, frantic staffers were working on a request for a permit to shoot liberal millionaires, even though they are mostly found only in the liberally protected preserves around Hollywood, California. Al Gore was spotted at a gun shop in Virginia, discussing the merits of "00" buckshot versus slugs, as he shopped for a twelve gauge shotgun.

*****ENDS*****

 

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Cairo, Illinois 1861

Brigadier General U. S. Grant, recently arrived in Cairo to take charge of Union forces there, faces possible investigation by a Congressional Committee. It was revealed that, using the excuse that there was a war on, BG Grant had ordered mail from Kentucky amd Missouri that was being passed through Cairo was to be opened and read. The combined censorship and information search was initiated to determine if any information about Confederate plans or forces was being passed through the mail. Congressional members decry this action, stating there is no precedent for it.

*****ENDS*****

 

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Bethlehem, December 25, World News Syndicate

News today of an alleged virgin giving birth in a stable in this small town has brought swift action by the RCLU (Rome Civil Liberties Union). They immediately filed a request to the Roman courts to ban praying at the manger where the Child was sleeping. A spokesperson for the RCLU pointed out “Those shepherds kneeling are a definite religious activity, and, as the stable is in close proximity to a public inn, it constitutes a violation of the policy of separation of church and empire”. Many people were not surprised at this blatant attempt to violate this policy, pointing out that Joseph, the stepfather of the Child, was a wealthy capitalist carpenter, who operated a sweatshop in Galilee and probably charged ridiculously high prices for the furniture from his shop.


*****ENDS*****

 

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Washington, D. C, October 18, 2005 (AP, UPI)

Scientists with NOAA announced today the completion of a study into the possibility of global warming. The group, led by Professor Phineas Barfdingle, stated that preliminary results indicate a trend of global warming that began, records indicate, in 1992 and continues to this day. Professor Barfdingle stated that preliminary indications show that the global warmth began accelerating when William Jefferson Clinton was elected President, as liberals began to sing his praises throughout the United States, expelling massive amounts of hot air into the atmosphere. The problem worsened when he was re-elected, aided by immense amounts of heat coming from the Oval Office of the White House. The Election of George Bush in 2000 added to the problem, as whining liberals began to expel vast amounts of hot air during speeches blaming President Bush for, of all things, global warming. The trend continues to this day, and scientists see no end in sight, as whiny liberals continue to expel massive amounts of hot air blaming Bush for everything.

 

 

 

Washington, D. C., August 14, 2005 (AP, UPI)

Washington Post Editorial Board members are said to be looking into the background of the adoption of the New York Times by the city of the same name. Their are rumors in the publishing industry that the Times is the illegitimate child of a liason between Time and Mad magazines, a tryst in the back seat of a Buick Riviera that allegedly involved a third party who was doing "kinky things" with a cigar. The report, which first came to light when papers discovered during a police trash sweep in the Bronx were secretly supplied to the Post by an illegal alien in the FBI, indicates that there may be DNA deficiencies inherited by the Times which cause its abysmal articles.




*****ENDS*****

 

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New York City May 25, 2005 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

Upper level management at Newsweek magazine announced today that an internal investigation of the infamous "Qu'ran" report has been completed. Original documents related to the story as reported were discovered and reviewed, and revealed the fact that two major errors were made between the first draft of the story and the final "for publication" copy.

The first error was in the location of the toilet in question. It now appears that the toilet where the incident occurred is actually located in Congress, in the Senate chambers.

The second error was in the identification of the document allegedly flushed down the toilet. It was revealed that the document in question was an outmoded document related to past governmental functions. The document, referred to as the Constitution of the United States, is an outmoded governmental blueprint, no longer generally used in Congress.


*****ENDS*****

 

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Yellowstone National Park, June 7, 2009 (AP, UPI)

A busload of 53 elderly tourists was denied today permission to use the restrooms at Yellowstone National Park, during a bus tour of the area. Many of the tourists were later arrested for public lewdity after being denied access to the restrooms, when they were caught urinating behind a dumpster at the edge of the parking lot. Park Ranger Joe Bob Blortch stated "Since Yellowstone is a National Park, the restrooms are considered to be Federal buildings, and none of them had the ID required by the Federal Law. Anyway, they could have held it til their next rest stop."


*****ENDS*****

*****UPDATE FOLLOWS*****

*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****

Arrests cancelled for urinating tourists.

Tourists could not be taken to Federal Building for booking.

Access to jail denied, none of the arrested had proper ID to enter Federal Court House.

Kill arrest story.

*****ENDS*****

 

=====================================================

 

Washington, D. C. April 20, 2005 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

Photojournalist Robin Kinder, known for his revealing pictures of politicians in embarrassing situations, has seemed to have scored another direct hit. Mr. Kinder has released the first one of a series of photographs taken at the scene of a motel fire south of Washington. According to Mr. Kinder, he was stopped for fuel at a gas station across the street from the motel, when flames suddenly burst out of the roof of a group of units. People began evacuating the various rooms in the unit, and Mr. Kinder grabbed his camera and began taking pictures. He switched cameras while shooting stills, and forgot that he had pictures on the first camera he used until he noticed that the roll had been completely shot, a few weeks later. When he developed the photos, he found that he had several shots of a group of four persons exiting one of the motel rooms. The women were wearing what appeared to be leather undergarments, and the men both had dog collars on the necks, with leather leashes. Both men were otherwise unclothed. While Mr. Kinder cannot be sure until the photos are analyzed, the two men appear to be Bill Clinton and Tom DeLay, and the females resemble Barbara Boxer and Nancy Pelosi.

(REMAINDER GARBLED, STAND BY)

*****MORE*****

 

 =====================================================

 

Washington, D. C. April 20, 2005 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

Insiders today noted that the election of Pope Benedict XVI is already in trouble, as the Senate Pomposity Committee voted to recess for two weeks rather than confirm the new Pope as the official "Liberal Leader of the Church". Questions about the stance of His Holiness on homosexuality and women's role in the church have reached the point of worldwide verbosity that make liberal members of the committee uneasy.
Robert Wexler (D) of Florida is considering asking for a recount of the Cardinals votes, and the Reverend Jesse Jackson plans to head a fact-finding mission to Rome.


*****ENDS*****

 

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Washington, D. C. April 11, 2005 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

In a suprise move this morning, President Bush had illegal aliens declared an endangered species, and has directed that all border patrols in the southern United States be halted. Additionally, he has directed the Border Patrol to tear down any and all fences, public or private, within 25 miles of the border with Mexico. President Bush noted that he had been informed of the hazards facing this species by President Vincente Fox, of Mexico, where the creatures are known to have nesting grounds. "We have a duty to protect Mexicanus emmigrantus illegalus" the President noted, "including their migratory paths into and out of the United States." It was pointed out to the President that the same migratory routes are believed to be used by the predatory Terroristis muslimus and the South American Scumbagus drugtrafficus, but he said they were less important than protecting the migrating mexicanus.

 

*****ENDS*****

 

 

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Washington, D. C. December 21, 2004 (AP, UPI)

 

A news release from the office of Sen Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) announces that the Senator will be introducing legislation in Congress, after the Winter Holiday Break, to ban or severely curb home schooling. Issues mentioned in the release include inappropriate schooling and a failure to address fundamental learning skills. The Senator's spokesperson noted that home schooled children were spending unnecessary time learning about things like U. S. History, the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and how government is supposed to work, while ignoring such core curriculum as how to use a rubber or understanding gays.

 

 

*****ENDS*****

 

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Washington, D. C. December 11, 2004 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

 

A tour of the White House Christmas decorations shown on HGTV (Home and Garden Television) this evening has sparked outraged protest from the ACLU, based on the time-honored tradition of “separation of church and state”. John Fenner, Washington attorney and ACLU spokesperson, has noted that Christmas is essentially a Christian holiday, and referral to a White House Christmas is offensive to citizens and foreign visitors of other religions. The ACLU is planning possible legal action to require all references to Christmas be eliminated from official White House correspondence and documents. “It is, or should be, the responsibility of the President and First Lady to demonstrate tolerance toward those of other religions and toward those who practice no religion”, Mr. Fenner said. “This is a deliberate slap in the face toward every non-Christian citizen, and another example of the uncaring attitude of this cowboy President and his wife.”

 

The NAACP expressed outrage at the theme of this years White House holiday decorations, “A Musical Christmas”. One display causing particular animosity is to the theme of the song “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”. Ruben J. Lemmons, NAACP spokesperson, pointed out “They show a white couple sitting on a white couch listening to “White Christmas” in the White House. This is a deliberate insult to the African-American community, and shows that this President has no real interest in healing the wounds of the African-American citizens of this great country.”

 

Ruben J. Lemmons, NAACP spokesperson, pointed out “They show a white couple sitting on a white couch listening to “White Christmas” in the White House. This is a deliberate insult to the African-American community, and shows that this President has no real interest in healing the wounds of the African-American citizens of this great country.”

 

Other groups concerned include the Gay Activist Alliance, concerned that none of the exhibits shows a gay couple, The Native Nations Network, over lack of Native American representation, and the Oriental-American Federation, over lack of Oriental Christian representation or Buddhist symbols.

 

Christian representatives from Nar Lijfrom, of the Tye Barlkow galaxy, have decided not to protest, pointing out that their natural purple coloration would preclude their presence anyway.

 

*****ENDS***** 

 

Washington, D. C. December 3, 2004

 

House and Senate Democrats are banding together today to call for a permanent ban on assault BB guns, after it was revealed that a Sponge Bob Squarepants was brutally murdered while working atop a Burger King in Nebraska. "Banning BB guns", a spokesperson said, "will prevent further attacks of this nature on other inflatable persons." Sen. Ted "Tons o Fun" Kennedy is also considering a ban on Burger King itself, noting that the attack might have been carried out by an overweight person. Rumors that PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Ballons") wants human status conferred on ballons, and will use this murder to press their issue in the courts, have not been substantiated.

 

*****ENDS***** 

 

*****UPDATE*****

 

Washington, D. C.

 

A source at FBI Headquarters, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated that the investigation into the murder of one Sponge Bob and the kidnapping of several others has taken a new twist. "A caller who wishes not to be identified pointed out that Sponge Bob, with his yellow coloration, resembles a very large, very square Viet Cong. A related report notes that traces of what were thought to be blood found at the scene of the Nebrasks murder was later identified as Heinz Ketchup. Reports that an SUV towing a large military-looking boat was seen at several of the kidnapping sites have not been substantiated."

 

New York, New York November 23, 2004 (AP, UPI, Reuters)

 

Documents found in a mayonnaise jar buried in a back yard in Abilene, Texas, indicate that Dan Rather, soon to retire anchorman of CBS News, does not actually exist. The documents, which describe various means of brainwashing, indicate that an ongoing program was being carried out for nearly half a century by liberal media news reporters. The documents allege that Dan Rather is actually several people who were brainwashed at various times, given plastic surgery, and told what they were to provide as “news”. After several uses, the brainwashed individual would be replaced, and the person thus removed would be sent to Dade County, Florida, to work at the County level in the Democratic Party.

 

The massive hoax was discovered when housewife Freda Lynn Botulism won a Dan Rather look alike contest. She was asked to describe her feelings, was handed a microphone, and immediately began “broadcasting” late night results for the 2000 Presidential election. After being admitted for psychiatric care at the Miami/Dade County Psychiatric Hospital for Forlorn Kerry Voters, she was found to have been brainwashed.

 

She escaped from the hospital and was later discovered digging in the backyard of a Democrat in Abilene, Texas. It was there that the mayonnaise jar with the incriminating documents was discovered.

 

 

*****ENDS*****

 

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