So we saw “War of the Worlds” and Tom Cruise and his dysfunctional
kids like to drove me bananas.
The Fabled PC started to laugh at how
mad I was getting at the flaming stupidity of EVERY character in that
movie. Dang.
I mean, here are TERRIBLE, Horribobble monster machines
spewing death everywhere. People dying by the tens of thousands.
The
teenage kid stands there in the fargin street arguing semantics with
Cruise.
Does he lay down any guidelines... like: "Kids, we are in
awful trouble! Here's the plan: we will take the car, and drive to
Boston." (He intends to go there even though he is brought up to speed
that these monster things are everywhere) -- especially cities!!.
But he does NOT give the kids any plan. Nuffin.
They git away in the
ONLY car that runs. OK, I kin handle that. So the little girl says
she has to pee. (Remember: she has SEEN LOTSA the monsters. She has
seen panicky people.)
So Cruise stands there by the car, and the little
girl goes 500 YARDS while he mouths useless cautions. I ask you: Wouldn't
YOU just tell your daughter, "OK, door's open. Lean out and let fly.
You have twenty seconds." Makes a TAD more sense, donnit? Or would
you stand there whining impotently while your 10-year old runs FIVE
HUNDRED YARDS AWAY FROM YOU.
Gawd.
And natch, she sees bazillions of
bodies floating inna river. Somehow, Cruise has covered the 500 YARDS
in an instant, and sneaks up behind her and puts his hand over her
eyes. Yeah... that is a reassuring thing to do to a little girl in
the woods.
Criminy.
The stupidities are simply to numerous to mention.
One more: You have JUST SEEN the following:
1. The Whitestone Bridge
utterly blown to crap before your eyes.
2. A train going by at full
speed... aflame from end to end.
You are tryna stay away from crowds,
'cause they will want to take your car away from you.
So what do you
decide to do? I GOT IT!!! TAKE A FERRY!! Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
NOBODY will be there. You can drive your car onto the EMPTY ferry...
And further, them monsters ain't gonna pay no attention to a huge
ship, nossir. Jeez. If you feel you MUST get across the river, grab
a fargin kayak or rowboat or sumpin inconspicuous, fer crynin church...
STOOOOOPID.
Frustratingly
stooopid. Oh... and he is driving the car, and he is tired. Sez to
the kid: take over driving. Kid snottily sez: "I don't have a driver's
license." Does he smash the kid in the mouth and explain SURVIVAL
DISCIPLINE? Nope.
He gets the kid to drive without any INSTRUCTIONS
AS TO WHAT TO DO and goes to sleep. The catatonic, moronic kid drives
into ten thousand desperate people with the only functioning automobile.
Stops.
THEN WAKES UP CRUISE.
I tellya, folks... I was rootin' for the
monsters. No kidding.
These people were as dumb as the English IDIOTS
in "Signs".
And something else - these things (THOUSANDS OF THEM) were
buried sixty feet underground a million years ago. Does anyone else
here find this is as easy to swallow as a Vaseline sandwich that:
A.
Erosion woulda exposed a couple?
B. Human construction, wars, mining,
subway tunnels, underground parking lots, oil wells, war, LOTSA THINGS
woulda come up with them?
Fargin thing was in the shadow of the fargin
Whitestone Fargin BRIDGE!
SHEESH.
I mean... OK, the monsters made
ONE little mistake... one which they were locked into by H.G. Wells.
T'wasn't their fault then, right? Otherwise, they were danged savvy.
Even the folks hiding in the cellar din' really fool them: the horn-recall
pulled back the younguns, but they had heard sumpin fer sure, and
sent in that really, really, kewl extry-slinky-I-want-one TV camera
to RE-CHECK.
Tactically sound.
The monsters deserved to win, even though
the deck was stacked agin them.
Tom Cruise and his idiot kids have
no right to breed.
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