Satire From Lillpop
As a result of some highly illegal mucking with phone lines, this intrepid seeker of truth was able to record a private conversation between failed presidential aspirant Hillary Clinton and the megastar of American politics, the miraculous Governor Sarah Palin…
The transcript of that conversation follows:
Hillary:
Oh, good evening, Governor Palin, this is Hillary Clinton. Is it OK if I call you Sarah?
Governor Palin:
Hillary who?
Actually, I would feel more comfortable if you called me governor, at least until we get to know each other. Got to be on the watch for liberals on a “gotcha” mission you know?
Hillary:
Thanks, Sarah. I need your help in figuring out what is happening in American politics. Can you take a minute to help a fellow woman out?
Governor Palin:
Fellow woman? You must be looking for Barney Frank, love.
Hillary:
No, Sarah, this is a serious question. You see, I have been running for the presidency since 1973 and the Nixon impeachment hearings. Until recently, I was considered inevitable and everyone assumed that I would be the 44th president.
Sarah, I have raised $200 million dollars for this battle. I won 18 million votes during the primaries. Damn, I am, or was, hot!
Governor Palin:
Not to be rude, Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton, but can you please get to the point? Several hundred thousand voters in Michigan are expecting me and Todd, and I still have to feed our precious human baby, pray for the repeal of Roe V. Wade, and get ready!
Hillary:
Sarah, my point is that I am an experienced, savvy, powerful senator from a blue state, married to a former president. I have big bucks and all the corruption money can buy.
My favorite number is 44!
And yet, here I sit with this perjuring weasel and his cheating, weak heart while you catapult over me and that black kid with all those Muslim names.
How is it that a moose hunter from Alaska with a knocked-up teenage daughter and a slick wink, but no money, can make a world class genius like me look an over the hill, out of touch aging feminist-nazi?
No offense intended, you understand!
Governor Palin:
Me offended? Those are the kindest words to come my way all week!
Listen, Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton. Is it OK if I call you bitch?
Because that is what you are and is why your disapproval ratings are higher than Dubya’s IQ!
Woman, you need to clean up your public image.
Hillary:
Sarah, being called a bitch is the kindest thing anyone has said about me in a week. But what do I do to change my image?
Governor Palin:
Here’s the secret to my success in politics and life. His name is Thomas Muthee and he is a very powerful preacher who “de-witched” me in a religious ceremony a few years ago.
Hillary:
Thomas Muthee, eh? Think he could he “de-witch” me and remove all these wretched wrinkles in one session?
Governor Palin:
I doubt it. Muthee is one hell of a preacher, but a miracle worker he is NOT!
John Lillpop is a Capitol Hill Coffee House staff writer.
