Barack Obama wants his family to have a dog, something that is rather a tradition for the first family in the White House. Much like Obama has sent out an incredibly detailed questionnaire for potential employees of his administration, I can now reveal that he has a similar questionnaire for all of the candidates of First Dog…
1. Did you donate to my campaign? If so, please list the fictitious name you used to make a donation so that I can determine if it was significant enough to warrant your consideration. Only cash donations count. Sorry, but I cannot consider simply working for my campaign or voice support because, well, we see what happened when I promised a position to Hillary based on her support. Now I have a staff that is starting to look like the Clinton Administration!
2. Have you ever sniffed the butt of a terrorist or a terrorist’s dog?
3. If you answered “yes” or “maybe” or “I’m not really certain, could you define ‘terrorist’?” to the previous question, please provide a detailed account of the incident in question and include a convincing explanation that we could present to the press to explain why the of sniffing the butt in question is not a pertinent issue and should be ignored.
4. Have you ever bitten a liberal? If so, please document the incident fully so that we can see if you are intolerant of liberal ideas or whether this liberal really did deserve to be bitten. Although we highly doubt the later, because liberals are so well intentioned and peace loving that such a claim would be completely unfounded, I will give you an opportunity to prove your innocence in the matter.
5. Have you ever bitten a conservative? If so, please document the incident fully as biting this conservative because he or she was an evil, anti-poor, racist. Biting multiple conservatives would be an even bigger boost to your chances so please make sure to recount all such incidents.
6. Which do you prefer, listening to Rush Limbaugh or Air America?
7. Would you prefer Air America more if we mandated that they hire more canine hosts to discuss dog related issues and the oppression Lupine-Americans suffer at the hands of their human oppressors?
8. Have you ever peed on an undocumented worker?
9. Do you contain any Pit Bull blood in your genetic makeup? If so, please fill out form 7843-C completing addendums N, R, S, U and Z and also authorization form A-1 so that we may perform a mental screening to determine your tendency towards violence.
10. Has any member of your family ever been a German Sheppard?
11. Qualified applicants will be at least 25% of each of the following: Portuguese Water Hound, Shitz-zu, Chihuahua, giraffe, Australian Sheppard, Cornish hen, English Terrier, Daschund, African elephant, Black Labrador Retriever, Indian Elephant, Woolly Mammoth, Poodle, Woozle, Tigger, and Pooh Bear Please verify all claims as to your lineage although validity of documentation will not be checked so forgeries are ok.
12. Do you have only a Certificate of Live Birth or can you fully document your birth in the United States with an actual Vault Copy of your papers? Do not worry, absence of the latter will not be held against you.
13. Have you or any member of your family ever lived in a household where any human being was at any time registered with or donated to the Republican Party? If so, please document all the abuse these evil people visited upon you and list their address. You know … just for record keeping purposes.
14. What religion do you practice? Please be aware that preferential treatment will be given to practitioners of Canine Liberation Theology although you will be required to verify that at no time were you ever actually present during any of your Pastor’s vicious and anti-American rants.
15. Have you ever uttered a racial slur such as, “wooooof,” “woooff,” “woof yelp,” or “bark bark woof” at any time?
16. Please list all other dogs which you consider your friends. Completely document their breeds so that we can determine if your circle of friends (aka your pack) is significantly diverse.
17. If you were left in a room alone with Condoleezza Rice, would you bite her a) because she is a tool of the Republican Party, b) betrayed her gender by serving an evil Republican during his presidency while Republicans were constantly trying to return women to a status of “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen,” c) a traitor to her race, or d) all of the above?
18. If given the opportunity, would you plant bombs at a police station and attempt to maim and kill law enforcement officers and civilians for the just cause of canine liberation?
19. Explain in not less than 5,000 words why the people of Iraq were not worthy of being helped, how much you were against helping them from the very beginning and how you were the only dog that held such a stance.
20. If asked, what parts of the Constitution would you chose to ignore?
21. Would you be open to the concept of a Canine Defense Force in which all dogs in the United States would volunteer for mandatory service of at least 50 hours a month growling at conservatives to intimidate them?
22. What are your opinions on the following potential sources of energy: oil, coal, natural gas, nuclear, wind, solar, biofuel and hydro. No, seriously, because I have no clue what the heck to do come January 20th, 2009. You have no idea what it is like with all these environmental nutcases pulling me in every direction possible. Hey, would you be open to being my Energy Czar by any chance?
23. Describe how evil you think corporations are. The more evil you think they are, the better.
24. I am currently seeking ideas about how to keep Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson off my back for the next four years. Give me your best estimate at how much money I should have Congress earmark for them to keep them quiet.
25. And one final question. Are you hypoallergenic? See, my one daughter is allergic to dogs so you have to be hypoallergenic so as not to cause her any discomfort while allowing me to look like I can relate to the common man and pet owner. Sorry, but my wife made me ask.