Satire by Lillpop
Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to become filthy rich as a result of a most generous gift from some anonymous, and deceased, person in Africa…
Yet there it was, in writing. An e-mail titled, “Contact Fedex For Your Package” which advised me of my incredibly good fortune.
According to the e-mail, sent by a soul alleging to be one Vladimir Garic, I am designated as beneficiary in the estate of an anonymous, and deceased, individual.
All of which means that $800,000 is mine for the taking.
All that I need do is contact FedEx and arrange for delivery of an ATM Mastercard that will allow me to withdraw up to $20,000. per day, up to a total of $800,000 in “inherittance funds.”
Oh, I must come up with the paltry sum of $185.00 to pay a “security safe keeping fee.”
What a terrific Christmas gift! The big question: Where can I scrounge up $185.?
The subject e-mail, butchered English, punctuation, and spelling intact, is reproduced below:
I just want to inform you that i have packaged and deposited your ATM MASTERCARD worth $800,000,00 USD with FedEx Delivery Services to deliver it to you, due to i have waited enough to hear from you so that your funds will be transfered through CENTRAL BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) here to your personal account, but because of the late response,I now decided to deposit the ATM MASTER CARD and placed it for delivery with the fedex delivery services because it also eaiser and safer. Insurance and
delivery charges have been paid for, but the only fee remaining is the security safe keeping fee of $185,00 USD which you will be required to pay before delivery, so you are to contact them on how you are to remit the fee to them so they can release your package and deliver it to you which will take 2 working days to get to you. I am going out of Nigeria to IRAQ for a period of 4 months to see my boss.
However, this was not paid for because of demurrage. Well, I did forward them your delivery address, but a re-confirmation is important when contacting them if you want to change your address. I advice you quote the parcel and shipment code to them for onward delivery to your re-confirmed address. The ATM MASTERCARD has pin number 8876. Take note, once you
receive the card you take it to any ATM cashpoint around your area and slot it in and enter the pin code for withdrewal, the amount you can be able to withdrew per day is $20,000.00 USD (Twenty Thousand United State Dollars) each day.
Once again, the Fedex delivery services do not know the content of the parcel, I registered it as an African magazine they don’t know it
contains ATM MASTERCARD inside, this is to avoid them delaying the
delivery and besides I don’t want you to lose your inherittance funds.
To which I replied:
Thanks ever so much, Tom.
However, due to the economic crisis here in the states, I am a bit short of having $185.00 to pay for the most generous gift. In fact, I am lacking the amount of $184.73 to complete the transaction.
If you would be so kind, please deduct the security fee from my $800,000. and ship the remaining $799,815. to me as soon as possible.
We will settle up on the remaining $.27 later in the month, or in the next life, whichever comes first.
By the way, have you ever considered working for the Democrat Party as an ACORN volunteer? You could teach ACORN and Team Obama one hell of a lot about style!
John W. Lillpop is a Capitol Hill Coffee House staff writer.